Prayer Request: Jeremiah's Fire in My Bones

The Lord told Ananias He was going to show Saul the many things he must suffer for Christ's name. The way He said it, we should realize suffering is taken for granted. In a sense, that is the business of the Kingdom for us.

There was a time some years ago I was on the brink of suicide. It's not possible to explain the private nightmares which held me there, but I'm sure you can imagine your own. I was suffering, and not at all sure it was God's will, but it was. Or rather, it was the side effect of God's work in me, which was very hard to observe, looking from the inside out. I'm not sure I can explain it even now, though the danger is past.

Yet as I sit here typing this, I have cause to doubt my own sanity from an entirely different angle. Some of this I can explain. I know I have been called to lead and teach. For some years, I've sought to teach right here on the Net, and in particular on this blog. On occasion, I've been granted time and place to teach in person. I'm told it comes across much better orally than it does in writing.

There is a burning desire in my heart to teach a lot of folks in person. Every time the Lord has put me in that place, I knew it was surely the thing for which I was born. I haven't forgotten those moments, and that fire has grown only hotter. It's not the kudos and admiration, but seeing the effects of that teaching come to life in mortal flesh. Related to that, I know it's impossible to teach without leading, and vice versa. None of this is news, really. I'm sure I've posted such comments here often enough.

However, the burden of calling takes on a new urgency this very day. My wife and I have felt a powerful sense of need to prepare for mobility. We came to realize it mattered not a bit what shape or form that mobility will take, only that something I must do will take us on the road. I even have a name for it, a particular image, but I'm concerned it would come across all wrong. I don't have any way to share it just yet. The last thing I want is to portray any hint of ambition as men measure such things. Let's just say we are willing to sleep in a tent if we have to for this to happen, and meet with people out of doors to share what we have, then walk away with nothing but dirty laundry and an empty ice chest. We don't even care where it is we have to go.

This message is worth my life and much more. My wife affirms the same commitment. Naturally, some things we can't exactly foresee must transpire before this thing begins. At a minimum, I would suppose someone is going to have to issue an invitation for us to bring our ministry to them somewhere. And while staying some days is surely in the cards, I sense it won't be long term. Rather, we would establish something "self-sustaining" and move on to some other invitation.

This message of the Kingdom is radical, utterly earth shattering for those who are taken by it. It's not simply a series of sermons or lessons, but a dramatic shift away from all we've seen or done before. The full sweep of what I've written here and elsewhere for at least the past two years is probably just the introduction. But it is not my message; it can belong to anyone whom the Spirit will not allow to turn away from it. I'm bound to this message, for it is the Living Christ Himself incarnated in His people. We can't afford to be schizophrenic about this any more. We must enter in all the way, or run away.

The tension I feel is maddening. I can go about my usual tasks, but this thing is either the hand of God, or my ticket to the booby hatch. Pray with us as I consider what these things mean, what they require of me in terms of obedience and service.